my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
