Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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