Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
