my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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