i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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