I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
