Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You made out with two different species that night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
