i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
