I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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