I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
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Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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