people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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