I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
