I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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