i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
