So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
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VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
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The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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