i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I love you. Go after that dick
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
