Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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