I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
