Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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