Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
