I can't breathe out the right side of my face
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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