How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
