At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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