with your own penis?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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