what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
