and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
