i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
