I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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