No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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