if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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