Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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