The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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