i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
