So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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