worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
