I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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