omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
