There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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