Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
