dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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