Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
