i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We have so much sex to catch up on
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
