my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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