I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
