do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
