before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
