I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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