No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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