It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
