hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
