My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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