I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
3pm strippers are depressing
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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