All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
