he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
