i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
